Sunday, November 23, 2008

Life in a fish Bowl

I have been traveling along this bumpy path of life and another stumbling stone got in my way. It has caused me to have to change direction slightly.
As I've told you many times before, I have layed my life down and given it over to Jesus, so I believe that He knows best. He speaks to me..sometimes in whispers and sometimes in shouts..sometimes through His word, and sometimes through a song. Sometimes He speaks when I am praying, sometimes when I am not. Sometime He speaks while I am laying in bed, sometimes while I am walking. Sometimes He speaks through others, and I know..I just know He sends people in my to help me to hear His voice and to help me along this journey and to live this life.
I have such amazing friends. Godly friends. Some of those friends speak truth to me, and in this world there are not many people who will tell you the truth, especially if it's not pleasant.

These couple of weeks really have been rocky. Some people haven't been very kind to Joe and I. It's hard for me to understand why people aren't kind. My lawyer told me this. He said, "Susan, your a good Christian woman, but your problem is that you think every one is good, but they're not."
People are mean and nasty and even evil. And I know myself, I know it's true, but I forget. You see, I'm so weird. I know I am. I'm not naive, not stupid...maybe I am stupid..but I live in this kind of bubble world ..I just want to be myself, and I want to love people, and I want to do good, and I really want people to be happy, and I want to change the world, I want to make it a better place for others. I want to bring light and love to the world! I want to bring happiness to other people's is what I live for. But..I have such a hard time seeing other people's points of view. I go through life with blinders on. I don't have perephial vision! I see things from my view!! That's bad!!!!!!! It's burned me many times before!!! I hate that I'm like that! I can't see how other's might feel about something!
I write so many of my feelings here. I am real and honest. I am truthful. I tell people that i'm sinful and dirty and I am sooooooooo far from perfect. I fail so many times. See..but I'm okay with that because I know that I am human, and all of us are dirty, and ugly, and sinful..but God loves me anyway..God loves us anyway, and honestly.....when your eyes focus on God, who cares what the rest of the world thinks of you...I ONLY want to please my Father in HEaven!
That's how I live. But once again..that's me. There's the rest of the world out there!

BUT... as my lawyer said..not everybody lives like that. And those people who aren't good, they will hurt you. And maybe even people who won't mean to hurt you, will hurt you.

Am I being ambiguous? sorry..

It has been brough to my attention, that my life is going to more public now. My blog has been getting more attention then usual. I've seen that in the numbers of visitors I get each day.
A friend, who I love because they are not afraid to tell me the truth, has told me that my blog exposes myself to much. I say things that people shouldn't know about me. I talk about private things and I shouldn't in a public way.

When this friend told me this, I was shocked. I mean..really shocked. For those that know me deeply, know I would NEVER EVER do anything to hurt anyone intentionally. NEVER!! If I wrote a post that hurt someone's feelings, I would want to cry. I try to be so encouraging and positive and uplifting to everyone! As I said earlier, I want everyone to be happy and filled with love and happiness etc..

But my friend pointed out examples..and she was right. They were very personal blog posts. I just didn't realize..I didn't think..I was stupid, naive, thinking everyone is good and they won't think bad thoughts.. they just love me and want the best for me etc..etc...

My mistake. I was corrected. I thank God for this friend who loves me enough to tell me the truth and to correct me.

So..I called a few others up and got some advice. They agreed with the friend. They didn't think I should take my blog off entirely..they told me they enjoyed reading it..but said I shouldn't post such private thoughts..

But I love posting my private thoughts. I am real and I can't be any different. I won't be any different.

So what do I do?

Thinking...thinking...thinking...Lord help me to discern. Give me wisdom.
I will keep blogging, because both of my girls LOVE reading my blog. It will be my legacy to them one day. They will always be able to feel me through here, when I am gone.
So should I make my blog private, should I share it with only a few close family and friends? Or should I stop writing so intimately?

I still haven't decided. My thoughts are going towards, doing two different blogs. One public. But that will take even more time, and my free time is getting smaller and smaller.

So..which direction will i go?
Where will it take me?
Who will come with me?
Who will cause me to stumble?
Who will hold my hand and help me?
Who will walk beside me and listen to me
and talk to me and be my friend?
Who will I encounter along the way?
What will I do?
I don't know these answers but I do know who will lead me and I do know where I'll end up.


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