Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Many words..

I have so many thoughts to share with you today. My mind is buzzing. Does your mind ever buzz? Do you ever have so many thoughts and ideas that you've got to share them with someone or write them down, or you feel as though your head will explode? Or am I just whacked? : ) What happens to thoughts and ideas if you don't write them down? They get lost! I don't want my thoughts to get lost..okay, well some of them I definitely want to forget about..probably most of them, but there are some that need to be shared, or remembered. That's why blogging is so wonderful. A blog is a journal, a rememberance of one's life. It's keeping record. Hopefully I'll live to an old age and I can look back and see what I felt and thought, when I was 40 and I'll probably shake my head and say...wow..I thought I was so smart...I didn't know 1/2 of what I know now!! I hope I feel that way! I hope I never stop growing and learning. I want to know twice as much as I do now, when I am eighty! I've been posting videos on new technology, and I love it so much! I'm not afraid of technology! It's something that you have to take time to learn how to use, but once you do, you will be so glad you did! Joe thinks technology is advancing too soon..too quickly. He doesn't like it. But I love it. Why not? Some people ask why? I ask why not??!!! (I love that quote)
I wish I would have kept diaries from when I was younger, but it's never too late to start, right? Would you like to start a blog or even a private diary? It's wonderful to write your thoughts down! I'll help you get started if you're interested! Just shoot me an email, and I'll help you out!
Okay....here we go... some of my thoughts..what's been going on in my life..
Well, for the past month, I've been zoned out into another dimension. I was diagonosed this week with TMJ, and mine was very severe. I was in pain!!! I was in such severe pain that I couldn't function..I couldn't do anything but concentrate on the pain, and begging for God to take it away. Next to labor, it was definitely the worst pain I've ever experienced. It was unbearable. This past weekend, with the help of doctor prescribed drugs, I slept for 48 hours! I think I woke up once to eat, and I'd wake up about every 4 or 5 hours to take more medicine, then I'd go right back to sleep. I'm thankful for that, because I didn't think I could take the severe pain, that I felt. It was a pain in my jaw, my cheekbone, the roof of my mouth, my ear and my teeth, all on the right side of my head! It felt like a toothache in all of those places, heavy throbbing.
On Friday, the dentist made a mouth guard for me to wear at night, because he said I was grinding my teeth, which may have been the cause of the tmj. I wore it Friday, but it hurt, so I didn't wear it Saturday or Sunday.
On Monday morning, I woke up..still in pain. Joe had to take care of the girls and get them off to school. After he left for work, I called the dentist, told them I still was in pain, and made another appointment for the afternoon. I got a shower and then I layed on the couch. I decided not to take any medication, because I needed to be alert at the dentist, and when I drove to pick the girls up..
Okay..here's where it gets crazy..I have not told any one this..(except Karen, but I didn't really proclaim what I'm proclaiming here to ya'll) I was afraid to believe it.
I promise you this is the truth. I promise you, I'm not whacky. I promise you, this wasn't/isn't easy for me to believe, but I must tell you what happened to me.
I layed on the couch.
and the pain started to come.
I started to cry because I was just so tired of being in pain.
I called on God..I didn't just beg him to take this away...cuz I have to be honest with you my friends..I'm ashamed to admit this..and even now, I have such a hard time believing it's true, and that makes me so shameful, but I really didnt' believe that God heals people..I mean, that's not totally true..I do believe God can heal people, but I believe He does sometimes, and sometimes He doesn't. I mean..I've read books about why bad things happen to good people, and I've read the Bible about healings and I've witnessed healings, but I've also witnessed death and no healings.
So, in my mind, I guess I believe that it is up to God..all things happen for a reason, you know? That's what I believe/believed..I don't know what I believe now!
Anyway..one of the things I've been struggling with, in my struggle whether God wants me to be a part of Solid Rock Church, or Cross Current..is the Charasmatic or pentecostal or Full Gospel type of church that Solid Rock is. At SOlid Rock, we just did a study on Healings, and the speaker said, that if you're not healed, it's because you didn't believe..you didn't have enough faith. That REALLY bothered me. The study said that God will heal anyone who has enough faith! Hmmmmm, it still bothers me, but I'm going to tell you my story.
I layed on the couch on Monday, in pain..so tired..and I thought about that speaker and that Bible study we did at Solid Rock. I kept hearing him say, you will not be healed if you don't have enough faith...I didn't have faith..I didn't, I admit it! Me...ME...MISS SUPER CHRISTIAN!!! HA, what a joke! I didn't believe God would heal me..I thought it was stupid ..I prayed already and God didn't heal me..but this time, I decided to go about it differently..This time, I did believe. I PROCLAIMED IT! I said, "God has healed my toothache..God has healed me of this pain" And I jumped off the couch and I turned the radio on, and I started singing..."Praise the Lord, God has healed me of my pain" And I kept singing..(I know..I know..it sounds goofy doesn' it?? I know it does. If this was me reading someone else's journal entry, I'd be saying "yeah right" but I'm telling you the truth!! And I started vacuuming my carpet and singing Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, God has healed me of my pain, and soon, I noticed that I wasn't in pain anymore...I SWEAR! GOD KNOWS!! FOr the first time in so long, my pain was gone. It made me feel crazy...like..Oh man, don't even tell anybody about this cuz they're gonna think you've really gone over the deep edge..
So I didn't tell anybody. I was too afraid. I don't want people to think I'm messed up with religion. Hey..I'm being honest. People in my circle are not all sold out to Christ, and alot of them don't believe in Healings and things like that...
So I was too ashamed..too prideful..to tell anyone...
I went to the dentist that afternoon, pain free. And I told the dentist that I had wore my mouth guard all weekend and that must be why.. (I didn't..I lied). I also told him that the tooth that I thought was causing my pain, needed filing down..it was affecting my bite, which is another cause of the TMJ. SO he filed it down..and he made me wait in the chair awhile, and the tooth started throbbing again. So he gave me cold water to drink and it made the tooth feel better. He said, he thought that all along it's the tooth causing the problem, and it would need pulled or maybe a root canal.
NOW..let me finish here. I definitely have tmj. I have been wearing the mouth guard, and it has made me feel better. I didn't wear it today, and my jaw started aching..definitely not my tooth, it was my jaw I felt. Also..maybe my tooth is abcessed, I'm not sure if it is or not, it hasn't been causing me any pain whatsoever! I'm scheduled to have the rootcanal, or extraction next Monday, but if it doesn't hurt until then, I'm not going to touch it, until it starts hurting again.
Whatever...God took away my pain! I've not taken any of the meds (beside the new prescription for anti-biotic) in case the tooth is infected (Even though this is my THIRD round of anti-biotics).... But...God did heal my pain. I believed it. I believed it before it even happened, and He did it. Praise the Lord. My God is SO BIG and Is Capable of so much more than we've ever imagined!!!!!! I promise you, that is the truth! I don't want to be ashamed, i want everyone to know that God does Heal!!!
Okay..so that's the story of the pain!
Let's talk about other things..It has been such a crazy month for me..I've been involved in so many things, that I haven't done any of them well... Too much to think about and pray about... *sigh*
I need to re-organize and re-focus.
I need to make a decision about the church thingie..once I commit myself, I will be fully committed..why is this so hard for me? Am I not praying enough? Am I not seeking God's will? Is it right in front of my face and I can't see it????
If it is, then why can't I see it? Okay..I've got to trust God! I've got to TRUST GOD!! I can't see what's in front of me, but as long as I'm following God, then I don't need to see!!
I want to be in the ministry so badly..what is holding me back? I feel like I'm all talk and no action. I've got to get help at my restaurant before I can let that go..but because I've been sick, I haven't been able to find help. So this week, I've got to make some calls, and get some more waitresses to work. Joe's been doing an INCREDIBLE job handling the restaurant on his own. He has been so motivated, and doing so many wonderful things there..I am so proud of him!!! He is opening up for dinner three nights of the week! He made a new menu! He bought some new fixtures for the restaurant!!! WAY TO GO JOE!!! Call on God, put him at the head of your business sweetheart and GOD will bless our business, we have no need to worry!!!!
Summer is here, and I feel like I haven't had time to prepare!!
I'm supposed to go to Ocean City in two weeks, and I'm not sure I can go. I have no money and still not enough help at the restaurant!!! Ack..
Really, when it all comes down to it..I haven't organized..I haven't planned enough..I haven't made decisions. I'm just floating...I need to start paddling..to have a goal, a vision, a focus.. you know??
I've neglected friendships!! Cathy Jones, if you read this girl, as soon as you get back we are going to get together, I promise!! Kim..you too...soon, I promise! Brenda, I miss our steamers meetings!! Karen..thank you for being here ALWAYS!! I love you so much!!! Valerie, I have a card for you...I know we've tried hooking up, and I'm sorry, but I will get it to you! Joy..You are looking more beautiful then ever!!! I see such light surrounding you, instead of darkness! I'm so excited to see what God has in store for you!! EMILY...I so want to sit down and have dinner with you and talk about you and your life and your struggles! I love you so dearly! I ADMIRE you so much!! MOM..I'm glad we've been spending more time together! AL..Keep coming to church!! Don't work so hard!! Di, I hope you're having an awesome time on your cruise!! I've thought about you every single day!
Damian..where have you been?? I've been waiting for your phone call...knowing that God is at large and in Charge..and believe with all of my heart, that HE is in control!!! Janyse...I missed the Youth United meeting, because I've been so sick!! I'll be emailing you very soon!! Hmmmm, Amy, I don't think you read this blog, but if you do, I hope you have a great party for Rob!!! I'm sorry we won't be able to make it, both Ally and I have to work this Saturday! I miss you and I sure miss those wonderful adorable little boys of yours! Okay..folks..those are just some of my thoughts..more coming!! I love you all, and I hope life is going well for you! I hope you are following and trusting in our Lord!! Let Him rule! Let him Lead you!! THEN..you have no worries!! God is in Charge!!! Susan

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