Yesterday, I posted an article about women who try to fill their empty hearts with things such as shopping,gambling,food, and alcohol. Today, I wanted to share with you some personal info about my addiction and what I intend to do about it.
My addiction of course if food. You can hide a gambling addiction..you can hide compulsive behaviors, overspending etc... but everyone who looks at me knows I have a problem with overeating.
I've been overweight most of my life. I started putting on weight when I was about 10 years old. My parents opened up a pizza shop and an ice cream store, around this same time, so I had lots of pizza and ice cream to eat. But I don't blame that for causing me to gain weight. My brother and sisters remained thin.
My mom and dad were both overweight. So were my dad's mother and my mom's father. (Each of their spouses were thin).. I definitely have inherited the genes of my overweight family members..I do believe this is partly the reason for my being overweight, but not all of it.
I have an addictive personality. I used to be addicted to alcohol. I over-drank, the same way I over-eat. I used to be addicted to cigarettes. I over-smoked too. And I've always been addicted to food. I can't have just one cookie. I compulsively eat. I binge. I eat large quantities until I feel sick. And even then..I want more. Do you want to know how I became obese..or THIS fat?? I'm really fat now..fatter than I've ever been! I got this way by dieting. Seriously. I've dieted since I was 13 or 14 years old. Lose 10, gain 15. Lose 20.. gain 25.. Lose 50, gain 75. I've lost hundreds of pounds..and gained more. I stay on a diet for a while..but as soon as I go off. I gain..and gain..and gain. So for the past five years I haven't dieted. And I've stayed about the same size.
When I first wake up in the morning..I think about what I can eat that day.
I'm always hungry. Is it real hunger that I feel? I don't know..But I can't control it.. But Ooooooh, do I want to control it. Those of you who are fat, or who struggle with weight..you know what I mean..
Being Fat is the last thing any woman wants to be. "He said I'm fat" my daughter cried one day.. "What's wrong with being fat?" I answered. "I'm not fat..am I? Please tell me I'm not fat" *sting*
So most of you know this, but some of you don't..
I'm going to have Gastric Bypass surgery this summer. I have to complete 6 months of Nutritional counseling, and take a series of psychological and physical tests before my insurance will pay for the surgery.
So I've been going to nutritional counseling for the past four months. My counselor has counseled many Bariatric patients. She's wonderful.
Yesterday was my fourth visit. She's teaching me how to eat properly and to add exercise to my life before and after the surgery.
I can hardly wait for my surgery.
I will post pictures here weekly, and journal my experiences. Will I be a new person? Will I be the same person on the inside? How will this change my life? Who will I become? Have I been filling my empty heart with food? What will I fill it with when I can't have food? There's so much to ponder...
Have a beautiful day. Jesus loves you! SLH
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